A Study in Stereotyping
by ethicsforsale
Summary: Do yourself a favor and don't take this seriously. Flames are perfectly welcome, however.


It is a wonderful day in the small town of Fuuka - though to be fair, that isn't saying much.

You see, Fuuka is a place where it is not uncommon for huge, mechanical beasts to rampage down the streets, tearing apart people and buildings alike on the whims of a small group of feuding teenage girls. Forget about the seventeen-year-old MILF, the easily corrupted nun, and that other one with the pepto-bismol-colored bob-cut. Since none of their names contain the words "shi" or "znat", we don't care about them anyway.

Point is, all twelve of them have their own personal exotic pet, specially equipped with powers of mass destruction, since Furbies are so last decade.

Any day in which Fuuka has managed not to land itself onto the front page of some renowned international newspaper can be considered a miracle.

Mai decides to make the most of it by inviting the rest of the HiME cast on a camping trip. Or if that's a bit too unexpected for your tastes, have them karaoke. Throw one of them a birthday, wedding, graduation or coming-out party and have everyone else tag along and have a jolly good time. So what if half of them killed the other half's mother-slash-brother-slash-boyfriend-slash-girltoy? It's all water under the bridge.

The important thing is to get them all into a shared space, so that they can all admire the gracefulness with which Shizuru drinks her sixty-first cup of tea of the day.

Well, maybe not all of them.

Mai is trying too hard to keep her attention on cooking up a delightful meal, especially with a hungry Mikoto suffocating herself against her heaving bosom.

Reito and Tate had both tried to take Mikoto's place, but now find themselves with matching handprints across their faces for all their trouble. Attached to Tate is a pinkish, sulky-looking malignant growth everyone refers to as "you know, that thing attached to Tate".

Midori is too drunk to admire much of anything beyond the rim of the toilet.

Natsuki, ever so sociable, is outside licking mayonnaise off of her beloved motorbike, while Nao looks on from an adjacent wall, her young face contorted in a mixture of contempt, desire, curiosity, sadness, boredom and bunny-lust.

Alyssa and Miyu are lost in their own little happy Engrish-friendly world.

Akane and Kazuya are off getting married somewhere.

Nagi and Mashiro are skinny-dipping in the River Styx, or whatever it is recently dead souls of freakishly long-lived children like to do in their spare time these days.

Takumi and Akira are invisible, and for the sake of convenience, let's just say that anyone who doesn't get mentioned by name in this fic was kidnapped by pirates.

Which really only leaves Haruka and Yukino to admire Shizuru in all her divine elegance, and the looks the two of them send her way could hardly be called admiration.

"Apple theater!" Haruka shouts contemptuously, pointing a righteous finger at Shizuru's reticent form. "Emasculating mustard growth escalator moonwalk jelly!"

"That should have been 'You drink way too much tea,', Haruka-chan," Yukino whispers behind her, pushing her spectacles up the bridge of her freckled nose.

"That's what I said!"

"Ara," Shizuru interjects, taking a sip of the substance in question from her mug, "If Haruka had wanted me to share my wonderful drink with her, she should have just said so."

Nao, having only slightly overheard the conversation while she was busy being hot, decides that now would be a good time to interject. "Hah," she snorts, deluding herself into the idea that her jealousy is actually well-hidden. "As if anyone would want to share anything with you. God knows where your mouth has been."

Shizuru takes a sip of tea from her mug.

"Ara ara, I'm not entirely sure I follow what Yuuki-san is implying. Ara, perhaps she should try saying it again within range of this big purple thing behind me?"

Nao boldly steps forward. "You don't frighten me, Fujino."

"Mouse mustache shrill homogenous plaid!" Haruka goads, thrusting her fist into the air.

This time, Yukino is too busy fearfully watching the drama unfold to remember to correct her.

Just as chaos is about to ensue, Midori bursts onto the scene all heroic-like. "Friends! Comrades!"

All heads turn to her as she passes out in a drunken stupor. A few snores can be heard amidst her drunken mumblings.

Shizuru takes a sip of tea from her mug.

Kiyohime advances menacingly. Nao thinks perhaps challenging the resident psycho lesbian wasn't such a great idea after all, but deep down inside Natsuki's walled, ice-queen heart, Nao just knows that the blunette loves her. All she needs is to remove the influence of the Kyoto witch, somehow.

As if to prove her point, Natsuki chooses this moment to burst onto the scene all heroic-like, nearly tripping over Midori's prone body in the process.

"Shizuru! I'll not have you threatening my friends at the drop of a hat."

The brunette looks unimaginably hurt, and takes a sip of tea from her mug. "Ara, does Natsuki not like it when I defend her honor?"

All the badassery flows out of Natsuki's bike-leather-clad person as her features transform into an expression of sheer panic. Well, and the multitude of mayonnaise stains spotting her outfit are kind of ruining the effect anyway.

"S-Shizuru! I didn't mean-"

A single, heartbreaking tear makes its way down Shizuru's face, as she takes a sip of tea from her mug. "Ara, does Natsuki not love me at all?"

"Of course I love you!" Natsuki protests, wanting to do anything to see her closest friend looking happy again.

"Statuesque commonwealth towel Indonesian soda," Haruka mutters.

Yukino touches her shoulder and nods in understanding.

Shizuru takes a sip of tea from her mug.

"Ara, if Natsuki really loves me, she would show me just how much she loves me, in explicit detail, in front of all these people."

Natsuki's face is suddenly as red as a baboon's butt, and Nao is trembling with god-knows-what. "No!" she says, "Shizuru, that's completely humiliating and unnecessary."

"Ara, humiliating?" Shizuru asks, white with shock, her pupils taking on a frightfully familiar dull glaze as she takes a sip of tea from her mug.

"Oh God, what have I done?" Natsuki mutters.

Shizuru takes a sip of tea from her mug.

"Ara, Natsuki is ashamed of me is she?"

The blue-haired girl gulps.

"No, no I'm not!"

Shizuru smiles serenely and dematerializes her naginata, while she takes a sip of tea from her mug.

"Ara, then Natsuki wouldn't be afraid to do anything with me out here in public."

Natsuki steels herself, resigned as she is to her fate.

"A-alright, I will. Just… just call off Kiyohime, will you? No one… no one has to get hurt."

By the way, if you're starting to wonder what happened to everyone else in the fic, let's just say a wizard did it.

Except for Nao, who, in a display of sheer badassery that would put Natsuki to shame, died of heartbreak somewhere in the course of the conversation.

Anyway.

Shizuru sultrily beckons Natsuki closer, relishing in the fact that the younger girl must really, truly love her.

Also, she takes a sip of tea from her mug.

Right before they're about to come together for an extended round of pale, very likely awkward sex, however, something unexpected happens.

ShizNat's respective diets finally catch up to them after all these years.

Natsuki is suddenly aware of the sensation of her leathers getting unbearably tight, until finally, with a loud popping noise, they tear under the pressure of her rapidly bloating body.

Pretty soon, she holds a striking resemblance to the Goodyear blimp.

And as for Shizuru…

She finds herself trembling with the effect of way, way, way too much caffeine. Her hands are shaking with overloaded energy. Cold sweat trickles down her skin. Her body grows increasingly taut with chemical-induced tension until finally, her head blows up, taking the rest of the fandom with it.

Whoops.


End file.
